Capsule review of the 7-episode television phenomenon “Big Little Lies”

thoughts recorded over the course of an extremely lazy day spent watching HBO’s 7-episode sensation “Big Little Lies”

(three times an episode for the first five episodes) OK. a better name would definitely be Rich White Bitches.

(last two episodes) Hmmmm. Perhaps these bitches aren’t so bad after all.

*SPOILERS**(FINAL EPISODE)********The bitches have united.

I wish the murder was cooler.

I’m not satisfied with how it took seven hours to get to the murder.

I’m not satisfied with the target of the murder or the way the murder is committed.

the murder was both climax and anticlimax…..wow

this show doesn’t have enough twists

the point of the show is that it doesn’t have twists??

the chekhov gun was a red herring

not clear how that one mom affords this lifestyle

The show is about feminism.

actors good

the rich should definitely be killed

I’m not sure what level of irony this climactic karaoke match is on

this show’s not that good

this show’s fine I guess

a second season would be really bad

i don’t really give a shit

there weren’t very many lies in this show at all

perhaps that was the biggest of the lies

probably not going to read it but this is definitely a book-is-better situation

is this a satire?

number of scenes of wife beating necessary to get the point: 2 at most

number of scenes of wife beating I think I saw in this thing: 30, 40 or so

number of scenes of wife beating that were oddly sexy: all of them, up to and including the one that resulted in somebody getting their head fatally caved in

is this more or less of a satire than the young pope?

Man… the young pope was…………..sweet

America’s New Hottest Programming Block

If there’s one thing I love about Hoarders, it’s all the people on it who are fundamentally broken. And if there’s one thing I love about Intervention, then there’s a million things I love about Intervention, because that is a perfect show.

I’ve got a pretty good idea for another perfect show. See, I’m not so down on Hoarders, relative to other shows like this, because I’m not particularly into gross-out porn. We’re all unbelievably disgusting. The inside of everybody’s house is gross. To be honest, we really do all just exist together on a mundane sliding scale of How Gross Can You Go, and the answer is an unsurprising “Infinitely.”

I’m not saying the shit isn’t gnarly—oh, it is, it all is—but black holes of human filth aren’t that different from how black holes work in space (truly). Things start to get pretty similar as you approach the event horizon. Given the choice between the two, I will always pick an Intervention. But shit, sometimes you’re at the doctor’s office waiting room, and A&E’s got a marathon of Hoarders on, so what’re you gonna do? Walk in nature? Not watch?

There’s a decent wrench in Hoarders, though, that gives the show a leg up on its rival, and that’s that a good bulk of the show involves the Hoarder in their Hoard during De-Hoarding, playing an active role in the process, often as a saboteur, or straight antagonist. This is compelling. This they got that Intervention ain’t. Because I’m pretty sure that there are only, like, five episodes of Intervention that end in a home team loss (i.e., no rehab, addict wins), at a certain point in the show, you can start to feel momentum flag. The last five minutes are always more a coda, a brief breather before you dive into the next pit of hell.

Anyway, my show pitch. We know that the production’s gotta get these kids on airplanes; the whole point of the rehab is that it isn’t local, around any triggering environments or people. Sometimes we get a glimpse about how hard this can be. Sometimes these fools cause drama. And isn’t drama why we’re here? That, and the (awesome, hilarious, cringey) plights of our fellow men? We oughta have a show that’s just about the transit. An Intervention: After Hours. I call it Get This Bitch to Rehab.

Think of the escape attempts! The clawing, the scratching! The spectacle of a man in Dockers pulling full-stop dad-strength bear-hugs to restrain his tweaked-out daughter! Sign me up or sign me out. World needs this in 2016.

Biddings on the franchise start today. Email me at getthisbitch@rehab.me to talk dollars. We can change this fucking world, man—that I do truly believe.