So I’m reading garbage forum posts on the internet, like I do, because it’s fun to me to lurk around reading the thoughts of oddballs who guilelessly reveal strange things about their life when I have time to kill. It’s that, memes, video games, and then books. This is if I don’t have a new issue of Harper’s. Harper’s is extremely good. Anyway, I am becoming infinitely dumber as I age, so I read more trash perhaps than I used to.
Doing this, I come across a guy, thirty-something, talking about his diet. It’s very funny to me. I’ll just repost it:
“This is a list of pretty much any meal I eat ever:
-Steak and a baked potato with cheese and sour cream
-cheeseburger with ONLY ketchup and mayo and potato chips
-broiled fish (either whitefish or tilapia, no other kind) and clam chowder
-fried chicken and jojos with ranch dressing
-kung pao chicken and steamed white rice
-beef and cheese burrito with tortilla chips and salsa
-hamburger helper (classic) and potato chips
-tuna helper (classic) and potato chips
-buffalo wings and mozzarella sticks with marinara sauce
-cheese ravioli with marinara sauce and garlic bread”
Holy shit! Aside from being a bulleted compendium of everything I ate today, that’s hilariously bad. I find people with bad diets like this to be very funny, especially when they go on, like this guy, to claim supertaster status, genetic issues, or that a vegetable in their mouth literally makes them vomit, instead of considering that their issue might just be psychological. Imagine going your whole life eating only this! Never crunching a delicious apple! No wedge salads! I mean, fuck health—I don’t even see any cake in here. Or eggs florentine! Fucccck. So salty. So colorless!
That diet is a damn kid’s menu. That diet is a carbohydrate death injection. That shit makes my chest ache. We have finally found the formula to turn a heart literally to stone.
Anyway, the word of the hour is bleph·a·ro·spasm. Blepharospasm. It refers to an involuntary tight closure of the eyelids. Sounds scary. So dark in here!!!
Do not lean into negative emotions. Everyone is scared and petty. Balance the world with your smile.
Photo Credit: Applebee’s
Current Meal Status: Applebee’s
Sometimes You Want to Go: Where Everybody Knows Your Name (Which, for me, is Applebee’s)