I can’t stop thinking about the “Sex Junk” video

Perhaps you’ve seen it.

This piece of sh*t is a week old and its faults have been thoroughly legislated by the internet commentariat at this point. I am not hauling this beast into the town square over my shoulder like it’s a fresh kill. I am just here to say… “Wow. can’t stop thinking about this thing.”

All week I have been laying in bed at my horrifying apartment getting devoured by scabies and unable to sleep, staring at the ceiling with this farting beat playing in my head, over and over. So much had to go wrong to make this happen.

People with authority had to hear the mic drop punch line “my sex junk is better than bagels with lox” at least a dozen times before the cameras were turned on—and nobody said anything. Before, during, or after. There was time. There was so much time.

The director, whom I assume came up in their career filming content for the QVC Network, tried to create a kinetic concert film experience and ended up producing a perfect simulacrum of a high-school auditorium midday assembly hostage situation, completely on accident.

An entire crew of professional filmmakers made the choice to stage this techno-wobble almost-dance with a minimum of set and props and a maximum of empty space, emphasizing flop sweat bleakness in absence of anything else. This was OK.

The editor, faced with a mountain of footage from this Nuremberg execution of a pop science presentation, decided it would be wise to incorporate the brief sequence of Bill Nye punching a laptop spacebar like he’s fucking Deadmau5, and no silent hero transferred that bit of footage from the edit to the trash.

Netflix, who put up the money for this and presumably had the ability to pull the plug, decided to go ahead with the delivery of its unviable baby, resulting in untold suffering for all who had to witness it. It was traumatic and unjust. Marriages were ruined.

William Nye, the scientist, did not watch the first 30 seconds of this and speedwalk TF to the parking lot for an unfiltered Camel and some perspective. This from a supposedly reasonable man. A man of science. A science guy.

The audience did what any of us would do in this situation—froze, stuck stock still and breathless, like innocents forced belly-down onto the cold tile of a bank during a robbery. They appear in this footage as our surrogates, damned avatars of douche chill. The backs of their unbobbing heads are haunting.

Ostensibly, I agree with pretty much everything and like everyone that’s going on here. That’s what makes this so uncomfortable. This is ostensibly a vision of a world I asked for, and it’s like looking in the mirror at your smile and seeing screaming Bloody Mary instead. I can’t stop thinking about this video. It is a curse that will outlive my mortal soul.

list of things that the world is not

The current American moment is not, and has no resemblance to, the following things:

Star Wars

Harry Potter

The Hunger Games

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix

Voldemort

The Joker

The Night’s King

Final Fantasies III, IV, V, VI, VII, VIII, IX, X, X-2, XI, and XIII

Batman

It Can’t Happen Here, by Sinclair Lewis

Lego

Duplo

Diplo

The ending of Mass Effect 3

The Xbox One

The Heath Ledger Joker

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Pt. 2

None of the Harry Potter books or films except perhaps Harry Potter and the Election of Donald Trump to the United States Presidency in 2016

The Avengers

The Apprentice

The Barefoot Contessa

Hamilton

Basically there’s not a single video game, cartoon, or blockbuster film franchise based on books for children that has a single ounce of relevance to the current moment, except the Mayhem album De Mysteriis Dom Sathanas, linked here

I am eating out my own stomach with my bare teeth. I am chewing on my organ meat. My own hot blood spurts into my mouth and the numbness I feel is transcendent. I’m touching God’s face with my fingers. I am poking Yahweh’s dimples with my thumb.

Comprehensive List of Languages I’ll Never, Ever, Ever Learn

In 2011, a writer named Linda Holmes wrote a piece for NPR that did that rare thing most things you read don’t do, and carved out permanent residence in my mind. Called “The Sad, Beautiful Fact That We’re All Going To Miss Almost Everything”, it’s a great read, and I refer to it, often. There’s an elegance to its simplicity, its fundamental correctness; despite its revelatory nature, it’s one of those things you encounter that makes you go, oh, duh. And then you loop its lessons into your life and casually pretend that you came up with them. Give it a read; it made me feel good about things.

In this spirit, the following is a complete and comprehensive list of languages that I’ve decided I will never, ever learn. I doubt, soberly and in fact, that I will ever even really try. The others are either on-lock, or in-progress. I encourage everyone to make lists like this. It’s good to know your limits. Boundaries can make one feel quite safe.

1. Catalan.

2. Shona.

3. Xhosa.

4. Javanese.

5. Hiligaynon.

6. Bangi-me.

7. Kannada.

8. Amharic.

9. Assamese.

10. Esperanto.

11. Galician.

12. Gujarti

13. Linear A.

14. Ao.

15. Sindarin.

16. Oppish.

17. Berber.

18. Quechua.

19. Bodo.

20. Yue.

21. Wu.

22. Udu.

23. Telugu.

24. Yoruba.

25. Chhattisgarhi.

26. Kx’a.

27. Afrihili.

28. Nadsat.

29. Northern Min.

30. British Sign Language.

31. Setswana.

32. Al Bhed.

33. XML.

34. Laal.

 

I will likely also never “get” the International Phonetic Alphabet, read Harry Potter, or have an honest sit-down viewing of the 1915 seminal silent epic film Birth of a Nation.

Thank you for your time. Good luck on all your journeys. Selah.

Photo Credit: Barneys New York

goal was not reached

this site is awesome. it’s a website that shows archived kickstarter projects that received no. freaking. money and it’s an awesome boneyard full of other losers’ failure that is pleasant to behold and hem and chortle at. the site is called kickended.

i am sure that taking great satisfaction in the raw failures of others is a universal human delight and not just some perversion of my own psyche—yes—yes i am quite comfortable that this is just a goofy thing we all enjoy and not feeling like this is utterly revealing of anything misanthropic or revolting about me as a person in the world even a little bit at all