benign reasons for a burglar to be in your home

In addition to listing these reasons (comprehensively), we will also be ranking them by Level of Moral Unimpeachability (or “LMU”), with a high LMU score connoting a more ethical act, and a low LMU score the opposite.

    1. Searching for food to feed her family. (20 LMU. While the idea of an invader being in your home is undeniably disquieting to one’s peace of mind, engaging in burglary to ensure the survival of one’s family is among the more ethical reasons to do so. You may not like it at the time, but in your heart you understand and feel that you might do the same if your positions were reversed. Quite complicated, ethically.)
    2. Searching for food to feed herself. (15 LMU, following the same logic as above, but without the morally purifying factor of baby innocents.)
    3. Seeking evidence to convict a criminal of a heinous crime. (15 LMU. In police proceedings in the USA, evidence obtained illegally is typically only inadmissible if that evidence was obtained by the police, or by an agent acting on explicit behalf of the police. For evidence turned over by a private citizen, the matter of provenance is largely not an issue, so long as the evidence is legitimate. This is vigilante territory, and it could be argued that criminal justice is a matter for police. But if we assume the criminal is in fact guilty of a heinous crime, but evidence is needed to legally prove the matter, then breaking this law in service of the greater good of society is morally sound. A complex issue.)
    4. Blind drunk, broke into house under impression it was their own. (8 LMU. While understandable on a surface level, this is still unambiguously wrong, unsettling, and illegal—but with proper contrition, hard to stay too furious about.)
    5. Had to take a shit real bad. (5 LMU. Even more understandable. Reminding us that desperate times do indeed call for desperate measures. This scenario hearkens to the maritime axiom, “Any port in a storm”, relating how any land, no matter how unsafe, is safer than the open water in ferocious weather. Of course, there are consequences to docking in an enemy port, and one should be mindful that they will need to face them when the storm passes.)
    6. Curiosity + Doesn’t know right from wrong. (1 LMU.)
    7. Cop with a warrant. (0 LMU)
    8. Curiosity + Knows right from wrong + Doesn’t care. (-2 LMU. There is no reason to do this in the first place, and the very act of burgling is an assault on one’s sense of safety. Highly discouraged in almost all societies.)
    9. Stealing to support a drug addiction. (-10 LMU. Compounded when the items stolen are worth far more than the resale value they would receive on the black market, e.g., it would be preferable, and perhaps more morally righteous, to wake you and demand $40 cash than to take your expensive PlayStation 4 and fence it for the same.)
    10. Stealing just a few of your video games to entertain her children. (-40 LMU)
    11. Stealing all of your video games to entertain herself. (-50 LMU)
    12. Stealing all of your stuff, not just the video games. (-75 LMU)
    13. Cop with no warrant (-200 LMU)
    14. Wanted to touch your butt. (-250 LMU)
    15. Stabbing you to death in the course of stealing your stuff. (-1000 LMU)
    16. On a single-minded mission of killing you (-10,000 LMU)

Fun Things to Get Away With While at Work

Did you know I read a Harper’s index piece that said that half of American workers have had sex at work? 1 in 2. I wonder if that’s self-reported. And I cannot help but wonder (not really) if self-sex counts in that number.

I’m not citing my sources on this; you’ll just have to believe me. I think the issue was from 1994. I read it yesterday, but it was late.

Here are some fun things you can do at work that you’re not supposed to do.

  1. Kick your shoes off. Hahaa, betcha wish you could do that one, doctors.
  2. Update your stupid website, and tweet about it.
  3. Have sex on the boss’ desk. Rub all the boss’ things between the flaps and folds of your sex organs. Spray jizz all over framed photos of the boss’ family. Spread your buttcheeks and kiss the cold wood of the boss’ armrests with your anus. This kind of depraved, insane behavior is fun to get away with at work, and half the people in America would high-five you for doing it, myself included.
  4. Drink banana cognac, eat LSD, smoke a doobie.
  5. Put one of your earbuds in, and listen to tunes and podcasts. Just a little background noise. It’s simple pleasures, folks. Simple pleasures are the secret to robust longevity and elan.

Youtube Rabbit Hole: She A Go – DJ Rashad – Stock Footage 

A Completely Unorganized, Gangly, and Only Slightly Edited List of Things I’m Into Lately, Because I’m Kind of Depressed

Note that I am not into these things because I’m depressed (I think), but rather, because I’m depressed, the only content I can think of to create right now is a list of other, better content that I’m voraciously devouring lately.

Don’t worry about it, though. This sort of thing happens all the time.

1. Memes, but only good ones. The dankest. Stupid memes depress me. I hate this baby, for instance. I wish nothing but all the bad things in the world on that baby. He’s probably fifteen now. I sort of hate that even more.

2. Tweets

3. The engrossing psychodrama of Showtime Network’s The Affair. (No spoilers! I just finished season 1! And I love it! These fools fucked their lives up fast!)

4. The fact that this painful infection on the corner of my thumb seems to be going away on its own. (It’s true, I’m into this, the fact that it’s going away. It’s on my hand. You become hyper-aware of even the most minor injuries when they’re on your freaking hand. You need hands for almost everything. The fact that I still have two of them is a solid comfort.)

5. Vigilante confrontations with child predators in Canada. (What? Something’s got to hold me over until this shit starts. This kind of awful, awesome thing is my bread and butter—and when you’re depressed, you tend to want some carbs.)

6. Stories about sports cheaters. Come to find out, when I’m depressed, I tend to get really attracted to other people getting their shit wrecked. Cool. That’s healthy.

7. My mom. She’s cool. You can’t have her.

8. That’s kind of it, unless you count staring into the middle distance while sitting in complete silence and going to bed at 6 pm. That’s a pretty privileged existence, really.

Happy Friday. See you soon.

where that came from

Here’s a list of the names I use on my collection of fake passports, along with a rundown of their attendant disguises, should ever the need arise to ghost. Unconcerned about security, I offer this list to inspire.

1. Mateo Badoula. (Waxed mustache, skull cap, and round sunglasses)

2. Gigi Corazon. (pretty much just looks like me)

3. Shandra Morley-Tuppence (shaved head, 40 pound reduction in weight, ghastly pallor)

4. Lacuna Darkrime (LOUD makeup and a similarly-bogus ID from the Israeli military)

5. Goku Charles (Goku gi, wig)

6. Shane Bagget (welder’s mask and coveralls)

7. Sara Szabp (this was my first fake passport, which I keep around for good luck despite myriad mechanical deficiencies)

8. 💯 (IOS 9.3)