I can’t stop thinking about the “Sex Junk” video

Perhaps you’ve seen it.

This piece of sh*t is a week old and its faults have been thoroughly legislated by the internet commentariat at this point. I am not hauling this beast into the town square over my shoulder like it’s a fresh kill. I am just here to say… “Wow. can’t stop thinking about this thing.”

All week I have been laying in bed at my horrifying apartment getting devoured by scabies and unable to sleep, staring at the ceiling with this farting beat playing in my head, over and over. So much had to go wrong to make this happen.

People with authority had to hear the mic drop punch line “my sex junk is better than bagels with lox” at least a dozen times before the cameras were turned on—and nobody said anything. Before, during, or after. There was time. There was so much time.

The director, whom I assume came up in their career filming content for the QVC Network, tried to create a kinetic concert film experience and ended up producing a perfect simulacrum of a high-school auditorium midday assembly hostage situation, completely on accident.

An entire crew of professional filmmakers made the choice to stage this techno-wobble almost-dance with a minimum of set and props and a maximum of empty space, emphasizing flop sweat bleakness in absence of anything else. This was OK.

The editor, faced with a mountain of footage from this Nuremberg execution of a pop science presentation, decided it would be wise to incorporate the brief sequence of Bill Nye punching a laptop spacebar like he’s fucking Deadmau5, and no silent hero transferred that bit of footage from the edit to the trash.

Netflix, who put up the money for this and presumably had the ability to pull the plug, decided to go ahead with the delivery of its unviable baby, resulting in untold suffering for all who had to witness it. It was traumatic and unjust. Marriages were ruined.

William Nye, the scientist, did not watch the first 30 seconds of this and speedwalk TF to the parking lot for an unfiltered Camel and some perspective. This from a supposedly reasonable man. A man of science. A science guy.

The audience did what any of us would do in this situation—froze, stuck stock still and breathless, like innocents forced belly-down onto the cold tile of a bank during a robbery. They appear in this footage as our surrogates, damned avatars of douche chill. The backs of their unbobbing heads are haunting.

Ostensibly, I agree with pretty much everything and like everyone that’s going on here. That’s what makes this so uncomfortable. This is ostensibly a vision of a world I asked for, and it’s like looking in the mirror at your smile and seeing screaming Bloody Mary instead. I can’t stop thinking about this video. It is a curse that will outlive my mortal soul.

Fun Things to Get Away With While at Work

Did you know I read a Harper’s index piece that said that half of American workers have had sex at work? 1 in 2. I wonder if that’s self-reported. And I cannot help but wonder (not really) if self-sex counts in that number.

I’m not citing my sources on this; you’ll just have to believe me. I think the issue was from 1994. I read it yesterday, but it was late.

Here are some fun things you can do at work that you’re not supposed to do.

  1. Kick your shoes off. Hahaa, betcha wish you could do that one, doctors.
  2. Update your stupid website, and tweet about it.
  3. Have sex on the boss’ desk. Rub all the boss’ things between the flaps and folds of your sex organs. Spray jizz all over framed photos of the boss’ family. Spread your buttcheeks and kiss the cold wood of the boss’ armrests with your anus. This kind of depraved, insane behavior is fun to get away with at work, and half the people in America would high-five you for doing it, myself included.
  4. Drink banana cognac, eat LSD, smoke a doobie.
  5. Put one of your earbuds in, and listen to tunes and podcasts. Just a little background noise. It’s simple pleasures, folks. Simple pleasures are the secret to robust longevity and elan.

Youtube Rabbit Hole: She A Go – DJ Rashad – Stock Footage