list of things that the world is not

The current American moment is not, and has no resemblance to, the following things:

Star Wars

Harry Potter

The Hunger Games

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix

Voldemort

The Joker

The Night’s King

Final Fantasies III, IV, V, VI, VII, VIII, IX, X, X-2, XI, and XIII

Batman

It Can’t Happen Here, by Sinclair Lewis

Lego

Duplo

Diplo

The ending of Mass Effect 3

The Xbox One

The Heath Ledger Joker

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Pt. 2

None of the Harry Potter books or films except perhaps Harry Potter and the Election of Donald Trump to the United States Presidency in 2016

The Avengers

The Apprentice

The Barefoot Contessa

Hamilton

Basically there’s not a single video game, cartoon, or blockbuster film franchise based on books for children that has a single ounce of relevance to the current moment, except the Mayhem album De Mysteriis Dom Sathanas, linked here

I am eating out my own stomach with my bare teeth. I am chewing on my organ meat. My own hot blood spurts into my mouth and the numbness I feel is transcendent. I’m touching God’s face with my fingers. I am poking Yahweh’s dimples with my thumb.

November 9

Yooooo what the fuck is up, it’s your boy Sarah reporting to you from the Worst of All Possible Realities and goodness I have so much to tell you. First off: Mexico? Yer done, bud. Women? At the whims of old men now as ever. Obama? Repudiated! On the way out. Gay conversion therapy? Back in the mix. Hell, this whole gay thing is up in the air now, even though everyone still swears they remain down with the LGBT people. Really, they are, they just voted against them for reasons too complex to explain, like “actually I don’t care” and “fuck you.”

What else, what else. Kneeling at the anthem remains more offensive than grabbing a woman against her will to satisfy your boner, which is a thing that is definitely coming back in a big way, not like it ever left. Your relationship with your grandparents? Ruined. How can you even look them in the eye? I dunno.  They did this for you.

The evangelical vote reaffirmed that this nation is a Christian nation, Christian or you get trumped. Trump that bitch. We’re all the bitch. My face is the bitch and it’s crying and it’s trumped. The Jesus vote went pussyhounding and God is alive in America again.

Starting to lose the thread, here. Your neighbors? They don’t like you, man. None of this feel-good shit about being nice to people matters. What matters is what you feel, and what you feel is that you want MORE POWER. You could say that the arts are going to go into overdrive mode due to this crisis, but real art requires free speech protections, so smoke ’em if you got ’em because that shit is getting pinched.

Women, women, women. Bitches, right? Soon the great abortion experiment will end in flames as God intended, brought to its knees by a coalition led by a man who’s most assuredly paid for one or two in his time. But that doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter! This whole woman, abortion, body, rights thing? Shut your fucking mouth, whore. Billy Bush lost his job for being close to the mouth that spat the venom, and the man who said the words is King. That’s dope.

Ahhhh… okay. Press freedoms? Trampled by a hostile electorate.  Taco trucks? Toppled. Harambe? Still dead. The KKK exultant, far-right leaders and tyrants offer their congrats. Nice meltdown? No meltdown. You’re the meltdown. I’m joining Al Qaeda.

Weiner 2 is going to be off the chain

And I think we should workshop some titles for it! I’m serious. I just rewatched Weiner, and it’s just, oh! It makes me want to sing praises. What a glorious spectacle. If a sequel isn’t already in production, consider this my statement of intent to produce it, in all likelihood under one of the following titles:

Weiner Lose! (This is a play on the phrase, “Win or Lose.” It’s a warmup lap, okay?)

Weiner’s Next Boner

Weiner: Cockup

Weiner: There and Back Again

Weiner 2: Jarhead 4: Welcome to the Suck

The Incredible Shrinking Weiner

Weiner: Shafted

Mr. Weiner Goes to High School

Weiner: The Next, Quite Younger Generation

I Would Bust That Tight Pussy So Hard and So Often That You Would Leak and Limp for a Week, And Other Tales

Weiner: Woener

Weiner: Inch by Inch

Weiner: I Hardly Know Her!

Weiner: The B-Sides, Just in Case Anyone Forgot About the Pictures That Were Just of  Anthony’s Butt

Weinerbutt 

Weiner 2 the Dingus

Tropic of Capricorn

This will all be followed shortly, triptych-style, by a posthumous Weiner 3, which will likely cover the unprecedented story of Weiner’s conspicuous death in upstate New York by domestic drone strike.



I’d like to show the world my cock

And furnish it with butt

I’d like to see it on TV

I am so in love.

I’d like to text the world my dick

The perfect part of me

In cotton briefs, laid on the sheets

It’s weiner time, baby

(It’s the real thing…)

(What the world wants, today…)

(and tomorrow…)

(The real thing…)