benign reasons for a burglar to be in your home

In addition to listing these reasons (comprehensively), we will also be ranking them by Level of Moral Unimpeachability (or “LMU”), with a high LMU score connoting a more ethical act, and a low LMU score the opposite.

    1. Searching for food to feed her family. (20 LMU. While the idea of an invader being in your home is undeniably disquieting to one’s peace of mind, engaging in burglary to ensure the survival of one’s family is among the more ethical reasons to do so. You may not like it at the time, but in your heart you understand and feel that you might do the same if your positions were reversed. Quite complicated, ethically.)
    2. Searching for food to feed herself. (15 LMU, following the same logic as above, but without the morally purifying factor of baby innocents.)
    3. Seeking evidence to convict a criminal of a heinous crime. (15 LMU. In police proceedings in the USA, evidence obtained illegally is typically only inadmissible if that evidence was obtained by the police, or by an agent acting on explicit behalf of the police. For evidence turned over by a private citizen, the matter of provenance is largely not an issue, so long as the evidence is legitimate. This is vigilante territory, and it could be argued that criminal justice is a matter for police. But if we assume the criminal is in fact guilty of a heinous crime, but evidence is needed to legally prove the matter, then breaking this law in service of the greater good of society is morally sound. A complex issue.)
    4. Blind drunk, broke into house under impression it was their own. (8 LMU. While understandable on a surface level, this is still unambiguously wrong, unsettling, and illegal—but with proper contrition, hard to stay too furious about.)
    5. Had to take a shit real bad. (5 LMU. Even more understandable. Reminding us that desperate times do indeed call for desperate measures. This scenario hearkens to the maritime axiom, “Any port in a storm”, relating how any land, no matter how unsafe, is safer than the open water in ferocious weather. Of course, there are consequences to docking in an enemy port, and one should be mindful that they will need to face them when the storm passes.)
    6. Curiosity + Doesn’t know right from wrong. (1 LMU.)
    7. Cop with a warrant. (0 LMU)
    8. Curiosity + Knows right from wrong + Doesn’t care. (-2 LMU. There is no reason to do this in the first place, and the very act of burgling is an assault on one’s sense of safety. Highly discouraged in almost all societies.)
    9. Stealing to support a drug addiction. (-10 LMU. Compounded when the items stolen are worth far more than the resale value they would receive on the black market, e.g., it would be preferable, and perhaps more morally righteous, to wake you and demand $40 cash than to take your expensive PlayStation 4 and fence it for the same.)
    10. Stealing just a few of your video games to entertain her children. (-40 LMU)
    11. Stealing all of your video games to entertain herself. (-50 LMU)
    12. Stealing all of your stuff, not just the video games. (-75 LMU)
    13. Cop with no warrant (-200 LMU)
    14. Wanted to touch your butt. (-250 LMU)
    15. Stabbing you to death in the course of stealing your stuff. (-1000 LMU)
    16. On a single-minded mission of killing you (-10,000 LMU)

Unused titles from my drafts folder

The race for the American Presidency will end with the United States being bombed

I was recently invited into the Illuminati

My negative Yelp review of the Life in Christ Lutheran Church

world is a fuck

⌊⊇ ‘¸\,/¸’ ⊂⌋

I Am Writing the Scenario for the NEXT Next Final Fantasy Game.

EXT. BURNING RUINS OF THE SLAUGHTERED INNOCENT VILLAGE

Image Credit: Getty
Work Status: Stalled
Caffeine Status: Full
World Status: a Fuck

I’ve been eating this protein, mane

Yeah motherfucker. Crushing this. Getting shredded. Just fucking… yoked the fuck out. Crack an egg right down a throat. Take a slug of protein. Get it all up in your maw.

Such good flavors, homie. Such good flavors, B. Swee-e-et caramel, bah bah bah—yes son. Clif bars in your pocket son.

Getting swole. Swole. Swole and woke, so woke—swoke.

I’m gonna eat some fuggin tuna later!!

Image Credit: no clue.

I used to take things hyper-literally as a teenager.

I had a serious attitude about serious things. My text messages were fully punctuated; I cried often. Then one day I discovered irony, and realized nothing matters. Now I live in a tent-like tarp construction that I roll up and carry on my back from place to place as municipalities force my removal from public property. I live off of the land and can identify twelve different types of mushroom, nine poisonous, two edible, one hallucinogenic. Every dollar I make goes toward buying weed and Arby’s sandwiches, and I’ve long grown accustomed to eating discarded food from the trash. Basically I’ve extracted myself from the matrix and my everyday behavior is governed by little more than the fact that one day in the far future the world will be consumed by an unfeeling star, killing billions. I do heroin occasionally. Life is nothing but a tiresome endurance test of chewing glass and bubble gum… and I’m all out of bubble gum